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Ellen's Story |
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I
was born quite some years ago on the 1st of December in Reading, England.
My earliest memories are of putting myself to sleep with feelings of
softness and being surrounded by As
I got older I found, that I
only had friends amongst other loners. The gangs shunned me and
quite
honestly, I couldn't really understand their thinking. The inability to
fathom male enthusiasms has stayed with me all my life. To make things
worse I threw a ball like a girl, which may have accounted for me never
being picked for sports teams. Secondary
schools in the UK in those days were totally segregated. Girls were a
different breed and only glimpsed at fleetingly through steel gates.
Their
uniforms were hardly glamorous either. My mother had a friend a couple of
miles from us who had a daughter about my age. Cynthia was everything I
wanted to be, ringlets to her shoulders and usually wearing pretty lacy
dresses. I loved to be with her, but I only got the chance about twice. Unfortunately, my sister, 2 years younger than me, was mentally retarded,
sometimes
very unruly, and even downright dangerous. I therefore was not tempted to
crossdress and there was no wish to emulate her. Crossdressing only
seemed to become an obsession in later years when I was married to a fine
woman, she gave me an example of womanhood that still fires me. At
13 we emigrated to New Zealand and I was sent to a Catholic boarding
school for boys. Girls were still verboten, even at dancing classes we
danced with other boys. There I hated to undress in the presence of other
boys, somehow it felt wrong and of course I was teased about it and not
gently. I had one friend, acquaintance really, because we were both
loners, and we would go down to the river and built dens in the gorse.
Mostly
I wrote and read and played chess, I hated football. By the age of 7 I had read all
of my grandfathers books, even the "old small printing and no
pictures" type
of book. One in particular was my favourite, it was called
'Girl of the Limberlost'. Only now I can see how odd that I should enjoy
and remember such a book. It was probably my mothers. My
life after schooldays started with 2 years at sea as an apprentice
Cadet, travelling to North America and the Islands on a
steam-ship. There I was
told about 'queers' for All
this time I had worn female underclothing a lot of the time - pantyhose
in
the winter, sometimes with my wife's knickers. I hated male clothes and
my wife could not get me interested in male fashions, boring stuff and
dull colours. 3
years ago I acquired a computer and at the same time I found out about
transgender and was very curious. I couldn't find anything about it in
our local Library. Doctors here still know little about gender dysphoria
or it's treatment. After a 6 month long study of sites devoted to
transsexual things, I decided to give myself a course of self-diagnosis.
I told my doc I thought I was TS and would like to get some hormones on a
six month trial. Six months became 12 and now 2 years later I have no
doubt in my mind that I have made the right decision. Lately I have found
myself looking at youngish men and wondering....... I
am still married to my wife and we have an uneasy relationship since
starting transition, but hopefully our friendship will not diminish even
if we part. To
date I have developed quite large breasts (B-cup) considering my age, (a
lady never divulges her age) and my shape is becoming the shape I have
always admired, 40" hips, 35" waist, 43" bust. My hair is
almost good enough to do without a wig, which is lucky because I could
ill-afford a wig. My hormone dosage is Progynova 6 mg/day oral
(sublingual);
Aldactone 200 mg/day; Duphaston 20 mg/day. I have
plans to have surgery with either locally based Dr Peter Walker, who does colo-rectal
vaginaplasty, or with Dr Sanguan Kunaporn in Thailand. I
now live in a small South Island, NZ, town. I have TS friends all over
the world and a few I have actually met, living in Christchurch, our
nearest large town. |
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beautiful women.
I used these memories
for many years to ease myself to sleep after another painful day at the
various schools I went to. Because it was wartime in England and my
father was in the airforce we moved a lot from place to place. Every
school I went to was a new and painful period. I was often bullied, but
for what reason I cannot fathom. With hindsight I think it may have been
that the boys recognised I wasn't 'kosher', I was different in some way. 
the first time, which I totally disbelieved.
The
3rd mate once asked me to pick up some hormones for his 'mother' at a
chemist shop in Sydney, innocently I did so, but subsequently I have
been told that he could see through my fake macho. I left the sea because
of a punctured eardrum and became a farmer for my father's sake. He
had had
dreams of farming ever since getting to NZ and I thought it may make me
more masculine. I did not enjoy killing sheep, but loved lambing time.
I had married a farmers daughter, being a dutiful son and also being a
dutiful Catholic I had fathered several children (all grown and gone now).
After 10 years of farming I went back to the sea to become a boat builder
(still you notice, trying for the most macho of occupations). The feminine
shape that a boat takes has always intrigued me. I was a successful boat builder
and did it for 15 years, although being part of a gang of guys
was difficult for me. They thought in such basic terms and often
disgusted me with their references to women.